listen to my hands

My friend once said, “The greatest human desire is to know and be known.”

Alexi Murdoch – Song for You   [listen] lyrics below

Sometimes I agree more than other times, but it definitely holds some merit.  I’ve thought about this a lot over the last four years of college.  What’s the purpose of developing friendships, relationships with people, with God?

People pass in and out of each other’s lives, and that’s something I used to grieve.  I “missed” a lot, always yearning for the way something was and never living in the present.  It became an excuse, an escape.  Travel some place far far away in my mind and don’t invest in anyone here and now, because if they know me that’s a part of me that they’ll always have.  And I won’t.  A lot of people come in and out of my life – part of it’s circumstancial, and it’s just become my pattern.  Growing up, I went to 10 different schools K-12, and that’s the best possible training to get to know people quickly, fully, and learn to move on.  I was an open book.  I yearned to be known and I had a true and honest desire to get to know my friends, what they think, why and how they think it, what values we have or share and what passions motivate them in life.  I was fascinated by the variety of the human psyche and actually read AP Psych books for fun, as if there was a secret code to be cracked.

Throughout college my interest in people endured, but I realized that everyone is only interested in themselves, and it’s easiest for everyone involved if I listen, support, encourage, but stay closed.

Lifegroup was unsettling.  Finally, a place where my story could be heard, and people asked for it.  But people as a collective whole, it was a pressure to tell your story, check, move on.  I told a few bits and pieces of my story, people nodded, no one remembered the next week.  It’s part of a process, I was told; it was good for me to let this stuff out.  But no!  I felt used, neglected. I’d rather keep my stories to myself than make light of them.  And as i share here, I know this is a common thread in the great human story of existence.  I have no solution, I just voice my complaint to God, rail against the way we’re all created and go on neglecting to get to know my friends because, after all, I’m a selfish creature too.

Here’s my tiny selfish voice in the storm:

[Why must I be the better person?  I overlook drama and push understanding beyond the limits of reason, accepting outright insults and misunderstandings because I’m not going to let the discrepancies of this moment disturb my emotional calm.  I am (determined to be) the anti-drama.  I’m in a relationship with someone who so emphatically declares, ‘I cannot be known!’ and yet I listen, and question, and listen, and realize I’m just a passing interest and outlet for the story of his life to unfurl and he needs an audience.  As long as I know this, I’m ok, but as soon as I know this, I’m a supportive friend, the detached, devoid…I recognize the transience of friendship and knowing and forgetting and the ultimate insignificance of this moment, so why give away my story when people just need someone to listen to theirs?]

I really do grow one revelation, one resolution at a time.  This is the way I am – I process until something soaks into my soul, vent until I find a course of action and silently change.  I became an individual this way, resolute, creative, untouchable.  It’s damned foolish to divest my emotional self with my story.  People can know me, but they can’t take pieces of me away anymore, because of the blessing of temporal memory.  No one really listens to other people or takes their story as anything more than a relation to self.  So even divulging my innermost thoughts, emotional changes, deeply personal stories of self will never be absorbed by someone who hears, but does not comprehend.  They’re still me, they’re still mine.

But here I resolve again to be independent – the only one to understand me can and should be my creator.  He is enough, more than enough.

And if I take the time to know people, I will Know them.  Why invest in a friendship unless I can bring some good to some one else’s life?

I pry not because I need to know, but because (most) people want to be known.  And occasionally, a couple wonderful friends press in, make me cry, and make me realize that I do have to depend on people around me – and that’s a beautiful thing.

Alexi Murdoch – Song for You

So today I wrote a song for you
Cause a day can get so long
And I know its hard to make it through
When you say there’s something wrong

So Im trying to put it right
Cause I want to love you with my heart
All this trying has made me tight
And I dont know even where to start

Maybe thats a start

Cause you know its a simple game
That you play filling up your head with rain
And you know you are hiding from your pain
In the way, in the way you say your name

And I see you
Hiding your face in your hands
Flying so you wont land
You think no one understands
No one understands

So you hunch your shoulders and you shake your head
And your throat is aching but you swear
No one hurts you, nothing could be sad
Anyway youre not here enough to care

And youre so tired you dont sleep at night
As your heart is trying to mend
You keep it quiet but you think you might
Disappear before the end

And its strange that you cannot find
Any strength to even try
To find a voice to speak your mind
When you do, all you wanna do is cry

Well maybe you should cry

And I see you hiding your face in your hands
Talking bout far-away lands
You think no one understands
Listen to my hands

And all of this life
Moves around you
For all that you claim
Youre standing still
You are moving too
You are moving too
You are moving too
I will move you